I had gone back to T this week. Had asked her the question : “What is life?” Indeed, you also might be wondering what it is, or what it’s for and is it worth it?
I should say that after my victory over my latest suicidal crisis, I think it’s more than worthwhile to live it all through. Why for me? Because I have family, parents and friends both offline and online whom I’d miss if I were gone and who’d be in worse hell than I am if I were not there for me. There are ones who depend on me for my affection, I am worth it, like L’Oreal says.
And what for? Just to be enjoyed and for living, for yourself and others around you. She and I had a lengthy and quite reflective discussion on life, what is it to her and what does it mean to me and I had concluded that “living is everything, death is nothing.” Yes, you should look at it that way if you have a major black and white thought and feeling process. Death is nothing, dying isn’t everything as I had thought. Had come terms with life and death, I think I’ll live it through happily and not think or feel too much about at all, just following life’s natural course, that’s all. That’s a huge life lessons I’ve learnt that can help others on the same boat as me, even being slightly negative about your life currently, please stay positive and use these coping tools from my t.
You are right. As a favorite band of mine sings, "Dying is easy, it's living that's hard." Sometimes it really does feel that way doesn't it. Some mornings and days with bipolar and anxiety don't feel worth it in "quality of life", I just don't feel good. But that isn't seeing the forest but getting stuck on the trees. Overall there is so much to live for.
I’m writing essays on my definition on life and it’s helping me with my mental state. So I have a completely new view on it, that’s why I wish to share it with all my readers, because I think it could help them with their struggles in life and that’s my blog’s purpose.
My purpose in life? Sharing it with others : family and friends. Not into romance because I’m an asexual aromantic, but friends and family do count in my life. Had found pleasure in being with them every day. And my 2nd purpose : writing to help others, wish to publish a book on self-therapy to help others overcome their challenges in life.
These are my meaningful new purposes in life. T had asked me : “What do you wish to do in life?” I had answered this question and had found multiple purposes in my life at the moment. I want to live on to share my life experiences with others, helping them with their mental and physical health issues and even their financial health issues and their language barriers! These are my vocations and meanings to my life now. Just think hard about what you enjoy doing and make them your meanings in life. What I had done and it’s motivating me to go on with it.
On today’s post, I’m writing another essay on my life’s definition, with my latest T session I had with her. So here goes :
I can make it whatever I will it within the laws and reasons of course. The only rules in life is : not to harm another or yourself. This is my T had reminded me about. I have notes in my purse that I carry around with all the time to remind myself this. Life is what I make it to be, life is a blank page on which I’m drawing my own destiny and fate. I had thought they had been sealed and set in stone, but they’re not, they’re changeable.
When I’m in a suicidal crisis, it’s because I think I have 0 control over my life and death. But I have it all in life. I can whatever I love to do, whatever that thrills and thrives. E.G. : why do I go buy my coffee out every morning? Because having it out is makes my life enjoyable and purposeful. What thrills me the most? Managing sites, thus I could even make it my living, stay-at-home job. I’m already admin and mod on a few forums and my own blog so yeah, pretty sure an internet company would be willing to hire me had I sent my CV to them. Yes, live for what and who you love. I love : my online and offline friends and my family, animals, nature, food and drinks, music, games, comedy movies and shows, the internet, tech devices, giving tips on physical health and mental well-being. So, there are lots I have to live for. You have to stop yourself from over-dramatizing when in a crisis. I have experience as well in teaching others languages, thence I could end racism and make the world a better place for all. This shall be my purposes, goals, aspirations in my current life. I feel truly blessed to have my life. In short, nothing in life is set in stone, you are the molder, the polisher in your life. Compare yourself to whatever you love doing.
I wish to give my life my latest definition that I had thought up myself. It hadn’t come from my T but from myself personally. This is own new definition, purpose, meaning to my own life.
So currently, I’m running sites for others : mod, co-admin, admin on many cyber-friends’ forums. Love doing this. This keeps me hanging on my life, and holding onto it. It’s my niche.
I have my own forum and blog, and run other’s forums for them. I’m useful to them for this. This is my purpose in life : help my online buddies have an easier virtual social life. This is what I want to for life. Thence why I’m not obsessed with life or death anymore. I wish to live for this sole purpose and passion. Been running sites for 18 years and will make it 19 this year. Have been socializing online since a mere teen.
Learning is my life at the present. Why? Because I’m thirsting for self-taught programming and coding languages currently. I want to know more about them.
I’d love to master them all, had been through a few text tutorials and I can at the mo, make my own themes, make HTML pages, C++ pages and tamper with CSS. Yup, the computing languages are like a playground for me and it’s my universe because I have good tech, math and physics basics as well. Thence why it’s such an easy pea for me. Finding life really interesting at present and that’s best way to move past your depression, keep your mind busy, be mindful with your purposes, meanings in life and significance in life. The computer works with langues, thus I’m using what I’m best with : linguistics to understand them all. I have tutored others in languages and have learnt things from scratch on my own. These are my capabilities and skills in life. Find them too easy for me. What will I be doing with all my knowledge? My 1st passion : helping others feel constant bliss and serenity. Knowledge is power and it’s my life at the current. Concluding on it.
I have a Bachelor of Science in Computer Science but it is from 1996. The languages I learned to program in seem ancient, line oriented coding of COBOL, C, some C++, Fortran, Modula-2, Ada, and a bunch of others. My course of study in Computer Science was in Information Technology, other people took other specialties like Operating Systems programming or other courses for their specialties. The most I did was my senior project, we made a scheduling program for the Education Department that would plot a student's course schedule for their 4 years at my college, taking into consideration prerequisite classes and when the classes were offered (some were only on the schedule every 2 years or only one semester per year, depending on the level of the class). That program would schedule out the 4 years for any major and minor. I did the "meat and potatoes" part of the program, the core that actually figured out the scheduling (which I wrote in C). Others did the database work of entering in all the classes and their prerequisites, or the web interface for the student's administrator assistant to run the program from.
I regret that I didn't learn web programming at all. That was introduced the year after I graduated. My education in computers is pretty much worthless to me because I couldn't work in the high stress environment of computer programming, it caused my mental illness to present itself. It was during my high stress employment that I became bipolar, before that it didn't manifest. My title was Lead Programmer/Analyst at the company I worked for. I was there almost 5 years before I got sick.
Computers are a hobby of mine, but I don't get into programming much anymore. It is too reminiscent of the past and my previous life. I don't want to go back there, I want to move forward and leave that stuff behind. I still monkey with technology but don't really know much about coding HTML or anything web-based. I could learn, but don't see the point since I won't be going back to employment in that area and the technology changes so rapidly.
It is good to learn things though. It is tough on these meds to have a great memory or understand complex instructions (either that or the illness itself causes the learning difficulty for me). Anxiety and panic scramble my brains. I love to read though, and through reading I learn a lot and keep my brain sharpened. Good for you for pursuing something that is within your ability to learn and that you enjoy it.